Today was one of the worst days of my life.
I lost another freind... three in one year
how long are things going to be like this?
I know things change and things can only get better, but right now its so hard.
I miss Zack so much... we sat in class today and just talked everything out.  I know if he were still alive he would have been right there with us.  Leaning on that same table that he always did, just smiling away like he always did.
He was such a nice person, I have absolutely no bad memory about him.

Last night I found out.
I wish I would have known he was going through such a hard time.  That way I or someone could have helped him stopped him from doing this.

Suicide is a disgusting word.

Jess called me last night and told me all she knew.  You hear bits and pieces of the story but you never know the full truth.  Only he knew.

Today I felt numb... Completely numb all day.  And when the feeling came back, it was like slap in the face.
I broke down as soon as I saw Phill... His face streaked with tears and mine soon to be painted the same way. 
For the first two hours I just cried.  So many teachers told me just to get up and leave.  They would'nt care, they knew what happened and they wanted me to get help.
But I didnt, I stayed and sat through the lectures.  Looking down many times to hide my face.

Too many people were crying, too many people are in pain.
I left there feeling sick.  I came home and thats where I am now.

Yesterday I was the same way for the hours following Jess calling me.  Except I wasn't sad, I was numb.  In shock.  I sat around all day, just relaxing as much as I could.  Until night fell and I layed awake watching the snow fall.  I broke down; I had to call Adam back, just so I could have him on the other line.  He didn't know Zack and he didn't know what to say... but that's fine, just so long as he was on the phone with me I was fine.

I eventually fell asleep.

The only thing that got me through today was just having people there with me and my giant mug of pomegranate tea. (which I made for Jess.... but I get the feeling she didn't like it... I mean, she did give it back.)  Thanks guys.  I appreciate it.

That's enough for me... my rant is done.

I think I might go to bed now.... Rest In Peace Zack, we will always miss you.

p.s. If you find out anything about the funeral arrangements please call or just let me know somehow.

Well ive been gone for eons so ive decided to make another cameo in my blog.

what ive been up to lately:

-Ive bought a beautiful new cello (picture at the bottom)

-My birthday present (cure concert) has been rescheduled to May (damn, my birthday is in October)

-I went back to Merrillville to stay with my second family for the weekend.  I havent seen them in almost a year

-I went on a DVD shopping spree friday. this includes: Akira; Special Edition (in collectors tin!), The complete crow series boxed, Resevoir Dogs 15th anniversary (in gas can tin!) and an Usher dvd for my freinds birthday. believe me I dont listen to Usher.  not to mention an 8 cd spree.  oh how I love the disk replay

-im now a makeup manager working for a local theater group. were doing a production of alice in wonderland soon

-Im about to get back into writing short stories again.  after a long time

-the date for my voyage a la paris is still unsure.  i havent signed up for the exchange program yet and i dont know if i have a family to stay with yet, but its looking better every day.  it will be in a year, but still, theres a lot i need to do until then.  wish me bonne chance. 

despite all of this, I am currently very unhappy.  I really dont know whats wrong with me.  too many changes are happening way to fast and I dont know if this is to blame or not.  But ive come to the conclusion that its a number of things, not just one problem in my life.  Adams helping me work through this little depression.  I love him so much, he means the world to me, and hes the only one helping me.  ive only been this way for a month, but if youve ever felt this pain that im feeling, then youll know a month is a lifetime.  there are so many things and people that I miss right now.  life is just getting to hard right now.  I need a break.

(sorry for the awful spelling and the numerous errors.  Im tired and lazy right now)